"I needed to make myself useful to overcome the panic”

MSF psychologist Sara Tannouri looks back at the blast which devastated her home city of Beirut two months ago and its impact on people’s mental wellbeing, including her own. 

“4 August 2020 at 6.08 pm. I was just about to leave my house for the weekly session with my personal therapist. I was already late and had said a perfunctory goodbye to my family on my way out.

As soon as I closed the door of my car, I heard a loud noise and felt as if the air was being sucked out of the car. Seconds later, shattered glass and debris were falling like heavy rain on my car. The blast had destroyed everything in sight.

Paralysed from shock

I felt completely stuck to my seat and my body felt paralysed from shock. A few seconds of piercing silence were followed by a strange mix of alarms and screams of help and distress from neighbours who I could see covered in blood, looks of confusion and fear on their faces.

Amidst the chaos, I could hear my mother screaming my name and finally I shook off my paralysis and ran back into the house to assure her that I was alive.

At this point we were convinced that an attack had taken place in our neighbourhood, but it didn’t take us long to realise the magnitude of what had happened.

We began to look around at our surroundings in disbelief: how could our comforting place have been violated so disruptively? Had we survived this safe and sound, or had it not yet ended? Even if we had survived, who had not? I felt overwhelmed and fell into a general state of panic. To overcome these feelings, I needed to make myself useful.

The day after the explosion, and after a sleepless night of trying to grasp the extent of the disaster we were facing, I received a call from the MSF team in Beirut asking me to join them in the humanitarian response as a psychologist.

I felt I needed to use whatever expertise I had to contribute to the response and to help my own community in its most dire times.

As part of MSF’s emergency team, I helped assess four of the most heavily damaged hospitals, conducted home visits and provided psychological first aid and mental health support to people affected by the blast.

I feel as if time stood still for some people on the evening of the explosion and no one seems to have restored normality to their life. This also applies to me on a personal level.

Looking back to the day of the blast, feelings of insignificance and vulnerability emerge when I think of how little time it took to destroy the dreams and aspirations of millions of Lebanese. But this sadness is often consoled by the strength I observe amongst people directly affected by the blast. This is teaching me resilience and determination.

Coming to terms with the crisis

Being part of MSF’s mental health response team has definitely helped me come to terms with how this crisis has affected me personally.

Having been through a very similar experience to the patients has enforced a strong feeling of empathy from my side. I decided to channel my energy and expertise into providing as much aid and support as I could to those who needed it.

Almost everyone I know has been contributing, in one way or another, to rebuilding this shattered city, piece by piece. This has given me the strength to wake up tirelessly every day since the blast and to keep hold of hope.”